Ms. Single Mama posted a blog the other day asking about weddings. I've also read a few more blogs this past week that have touched on weddings and such. There were a few different groups that the comments could have been divided into.
- Married and Loving it
- Been Married but Regret It
- Never Married
- Never Gonna Get Married (again)
Of the women who have walked the aisle before, there were so many comments of marriages that failed, but the women still held on for bigger and better. And then there were a few who would be the advocates for "NEVER get married", they didn't seem quite as numerous, but they were there.
And I find myself somewhere in a conflict of how I feel because I can see it clearly from both sides.
While I've never walked the aisle and said the vows and cut the cake and all, I have bought the dress and set the date and virtually everything leading up to it.
And when two months before the wedding there suddenly was no wedding....it changed how I feel about love and marriage and the whole crazy thing.
While there's always been this emptiness that I hope, someday, that a man can fill...at the same time I question if I can ever again give myself over. Can I ever really love again? Can I ever really trust again?
And I think that's why there is a portion of the women who commented on that blog using the word "NEVER".
Because there are times that I feel that's about the quickest that some wounds heal.
And I do have people that say "Good grief, Ashley, it's been," (pauses to count) "almost three years, when are you going to get over it?"
If it's a matter of getting over the breakup, I think I had that taken care of within a week of the actual event. I had a good sob-fest crumpled up in the floor of my shower and once I realized the mess I was being, I wiped my tears away and resolved that no man should have this type of power over me. I looked back over the recent months of our relationship and saw how incredibly wrong for each other we had become. I'm over the breakup. I've been over the breakup.
What takes time to deal with is the self-doubt and the broken dreams and the fact that things may never be what you always hoped and dreamed and expected them to be.
The hardest part for me was the fact that, as keen of an observer as I like to think I am, I never once noticed a point where he changed or I changed or our relationship changed. I never once noticed the point where we stopped making each other happy and started infuriating each other. In missing that, I missed it all and I almost made a very detrimental decision because of it. That was and is still hard for me. The fact that I almost made a very bad judgment call without realizing it. I questioned myself and all of my decisions after that. And I still do at times. I think "You were so very wrong about something before, you could be wrong about this now."
I second guess myself a lot now because my confidence in myself is shaken.
I also second guess my value. Not just from the breakup but from guys that have come around since then. I'm still struggling to grasp the fact that, since then, I have only had one guy treat me with dignity and respect. In three years, only one guy has treated me like a human being with actual worth. Other guys have even been so bold as to let me know that they think "single mom=easy lay". So for three years, I've either been bypassed for being a mother or for not putting out. Both things I'm actually proud of and know I won't someday regret.
Which is why I'm not sure I can ever be into the "Love, Marriage, and the whole Crazy thing" with both feet. I can't imagine, at this point, that there would be a guy that is actually what I want, what I need, and that doesn't think "single mom=bad". Because guys in this area just don't seem to be wired that way.
So while I still dream and hope and wish for a day when I can find my perfect-for-me guy and we can walk down the aisle and say I do and never look back....I'm afraid that there will always be a part of me that sees things from a different direction and never gives herself or anyone else a chance because of that silent whisper inside her head that says, "No, don't do it."