Undatable


There's a discussion going on over at I Heart Single People that's asking if single parents ever feel undatable.

It's so weird that this came up today because I was driving yesterday thinking along these same lines. I do feel undatable at times! And not in the way I used to!

I had guys in college that would get to know me in a platonic way and would never consider going further, only to tell my friends that they couldn't date me because I had so much to offer them and they had little to offer them. I never really understood it, but I've been told several times that I'm so very intimidating when you get to know me on a personal level because I'm smart and I'm confident and because my sarcastic nature is frequently hard to decipher. Then guys meet me and my family and see how together I've got it and feel, apparently, like they fall short of some invisible requirement.

I guess I've always been undatable in one way or another. I should be used to it, I guess.

I live in a small rural area and there really aren't any men to choose from. The single men that there are all seem to think that single moms are a bad thing. Or the ones that don't think of us as a bad thing tend to think of us as an "easy" thing.

I hate that.

Being a mom is the best thing about me.

But others don't see it that way.

I feel more undatable, though, because of trust issues I'm left with after one of my most recent relationships. But I can't work past the trust issues until I get back out there and put myself out there again. But how do you do that when no one wants to date you, and the guys that are available fall significantly short of moral and decency standards that you have marked as a requirement on your list.

The biggest part about me feeling undatable is because others make me feel undatable and less valuable. They don't realize that they're continually doing something or saying something to make me feel like they don't think I'm good enough, anymore, for the really good guys, that I should settle for the okay guys.

Take, for instance, others wanting to match-make. Except instead of finding me these really great guys, they find me these "leftover" guys. And I don't think they realize they do it. It's like they save the really great guys they know for the single women without kids. And then they tell me about these guys that would be so great "for me", as if they don't understand they're classifying me in a not so wonderful light.

It also goes all over me that I've had so many people suggest that I settle.

I'm not the settling type.

And on something so important as who you spend your life with, you don't settle for the sake of having someone that might could make you happy, at least for a while. It's worth the wait for me that I only have to do this once. I don't want to settle for the one that could make me happy 'for now' just to turn around and find the one who I could be happy with forever.

It's worth the wait. And even if I never find that person, even if it's just not in the cards for me to be married, who said I'm not happy?

It doesn't help that, in the last three years, I've only spent time with one guy who treated me respectfully, and he split before we really even made it from the 'talking' stage to the 'dating' stage.

I'm just so tired of guys coming into my lives and trying to get into my pants. I'm not that woman.

So I'm rejected for keeping my legs closed to men I barely know.

I see this as a good thing. If I were a guy, I can't imagine I could be serious about a woman who just "opens up" right away. And yet, if I were a guy, I can't imagine that if I really liked that woman, that I'd be trying to get her to open up right away.

And my family and friends keep telling me that it's not me. I'm not damaged goods. I'm not broken. I am actually. But they're right. It's not me. It's all these people who see "single mom" and don't look further to see the incredibly amazing woman that I am. I'm a better person because I'm a mom.

And someday, some lucky man will get that.

But in the meantime, to this narrow-minded little town, I'm pretty sure I'll always be undatable.

What about you? Do you feel or have you ever felt undatable becasuse you're a single parent?
Ashley Wife & Mom

Ashley is a thirty-something wife and mother of two boys. She enjoys spending time with her family, as well as reading and decorating their home. Her blogging adventures began in 2006 as a single mother and have carried on through marriage and a new life with a husband, a ten-year-old, and an infant.