Funny how I can have two topics on my heart on this one day and on that same exact day two other individuals can either blog on or mention those topics in a way that bring one of my favorite words to mind.
I've used it a lot lately.
I had a conversation with Mystery Man last night. It was one of those painful yet healing and wonderful conversations.
Painful only because it meant dragging out my baggage and opening it up and hoping and praying that he wouldn't let decisions of my past cast a pall on the person he knows me as today.
Healing and wonderful because he is man enough to see that everything in my past only served to make me who I am today. It's nothing to hold against me, it's nothing to begrudge me for, it's nothing to condemn me by. It's simply a part of my past.
And it's left in the past.
Where it belongs.
And that feels so good.
And it brings a song to mind.
You're shocked, I know. Me and my music, right? It runs in the family (my sister has started a blog, by the way, you can check her out here)
But it brought to mind a song I've always measured these conversations up against. I know I shouldn't judge, especially when asking someone not to judge me...but you can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to cling to and use against you or what they choose to let go of.
An admirable man wrote the words below, because they understood that our past does not rule us, our past only serves to lead and guide us.
Every single story told is another lesson learned
So if I should glance in your rear-view mirror
At every failed romance that brought you here
Honey, I can't be hurt by what I see
They were teaching you how to love me"
Because everything I ever did was a choice. Every word I ever spoke was a decision I made.
And I might have come to realize the lack-of-wisdom in some of those words or actions or in-actions, but there's no changing them and there's no reversing how they altered the path my life has taken.
Why would I want to when I'm in such a beautiful place?
But the fact remains...there is little that is more difficult than to step up and own up to everything you've ever done or allowed to be done. There is little more heartbreaking than to confess to your own failures and misgivings.
But, likewise, there's little better than opening up all that old baggage and emptying it out; to take every thing you've hidden; to wipe away the filth and the guilt and the shame and be free of it. And there's little better than being accepted as you are, faults and all.
I am who I am now because of the person I was.
To change the bad in my past would mean to sacrifice the good in my present. If he can accept me for me, why can't I?
I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday. I am the person I am because I've let people take advantage of me, I've made bad choices, I've used words for less than good, I've accepted less than I deserve, and I've ignored my conscience when it was despicable to do so. I can't change those things. I can't fix any of the damage I've caused myself or others in the past.
I can forgive, both myself and others.
I can learn.
I can move on.
The blessings in my failures the way I know I should.
It's time that I accept the low as well as high,
Replace the things I've done with things that I've done right.
It's time that I accept bad choices that I've made
against my better judgment, and give myself a break.
It's time that I accept these things I can't control.
I know I've done my best, It's time that I accept.