And once upon a time I was all like, "Wow! Greatest book ever" because I think that young girls should have positive examples in romance and should set their sites on a man who will be respectful and treat them like a lady.
It was a good thing.
And I would have encouraged any guys to read the book to get an idea of how to be all sweet and old-fashioned good-guy with a girl.
It was a good thing.
But now......now it is not a good thing.
Some of these fans should be locked up for their own protection.
Straight-jackets have been handed out before for less insanity than these books and movies are causing!
Take a look at some of the items that fanatics can buy.
Let's start the day where you wake up, snuggled into your Robert Pattinson covered pillow and wrapped in your Edward duvet cover.
Keeps you pretty warm and snuggly for a dead guy, right?
You get out of bed and kiss your life-sized Edward wall decal.
Before getting into the shower, adorned with an Edward shower-curtain.
You get out and get dressed in your Edward T-shirt.
And don't forget your extremely disturbing Robert Pattinson panties.
I refuse to show you the VULGAR image on the inside of the panties.
After you're dressed and ready, you grab your signature Twilight jewelery from your Twilight Jewelery box...
and you head out the door, grabbing your keys--on your Twilight keychain, of course. And don't forget your Robert Pattinson coin purse in case you find any Twilight paraphernalia that you obviously would be completely incapable of passing up.
But, uh oh, it's raining.
Just like in Forks.
Which of course makes you swoon because you feel closer to Edward on rainy days.
Because he protects you from the rain with your handy-dandy Twilight umbrella.
You return home later, smiling as you see your New Moon door hanger.
You go inside and sit down at your computer to check the latest information on Eclipse, which premieres in two-hundred-seventeen day, nine hours, thirty-four-minutes and twenty-three...twenty-two...twenty-one seconds.
You know because you have tickers everywhere.
And you counted just to make sure it was right.
Over your desk is your beautiful Robert Pattinson.
And on your computer.
And on your mousepad.
And when you get bored on your computer, you can still play your Twilight game or work on your Twilight jigsaw puzzle.
Afterwards, it's time for your nightly love-package to none other than Edward/Robert himself. In it you include a picture of the pumpkin you carved for Halloween.
Which you seal with New Moon packing tape.
Uh oh. You cut yourself on the blade of the tape dispenser.
Guess you'll have to get out your New Moon bandaids.
Afterwards, you kiss your life-size standup of Robert/Edward goodnight.....
Before curling up in your Twilight-clad bed and writing about your love for Edward/Robert in your Twilight journal.
You end the night by snuggling up with your Twilight action figures and going to sleep.
Of course you'll dream about Twilight, too.
Because your life revolves around Twilight.
The book that I once read and enjoyed.
About a sparkly, well-mannered vampire who lives in this rainy town and falls in love with this clutzy, adoring girl that can think of nothing more than the beauty and divinity of said vampire.
But not anymore.
Thanks for that.