The last few days have been trying. As a mom, as a wife, as an individual.
And I'm sure if Beckett could talk, he would agree that they were especially difficult as a baby, too.
Last night, after three nights of little-to-no sleep and three days of having another body physically attached to mine, I felt like I was at the end of my rope. This precious, wonderful little baby was fighting an ear infection and all he wanted was his Mama to make it better. And Mama was at the point that all she wanted was a good night's sleep in her own bed without anyone touching her.
I was laying in bed listening to Jason try to get Beckett to sleep (for the fourth time) through the baby monitor and I was crying as I typed the following Facebook Status.
I was physically and emotionally exhausted. My shoulders, back, and neck were killing me from three days and three nights of sleep loss and stress. And I knew I was looking down the barrel of a fourth night. I had already put him down twice and Jason had put him down once. Each time he woke up almost instantly, even though he had been snoring heavily only moments before. The only thing I could think to do was to cry.
And then I felt bad for crying, because I was also so grateful. Sure, he'd been fussy and clingy, but he was clinging to me. When he would throw his head back in tears, he would then turn his face to me and curl up into me because he knew I would hold him and comfort him. This wasn't his 'normal', this wasn't how it would always be, this was just how it is for now. And then I thought about it from his little perspective. For as tired and torn down as I felt, I can only imagine what he must have been feeling. At least I knew what was wrong with him, at least I knew there was an end in sight. Realizing that made it a little easier for me to tug on my big girl panties.
The last few days have been trying. Last night was no better than the three before it. I was and am at the end of my rope. But I realized last night that when you get to the end of your rope, you have two choices. Let go, or tie a knot.
It's easier to hang in there if you tie a knot.