I'm not who I was

Jason's taken me down memory lane the past week or so. He's been reading old blogs and looking through old pictures that I've posted.

I knew he'd pretty much read everything on this blog (which only goes back about a year) so I pointed him to my MySpace blog, which goes back to early 2006.

If you knew the content of that blog, you'd understand why I almost hesitated in doing this.

The blog started before the breakup and carries through a period of venom and toxicity that I went through. I was bitter and spiteful and, I'll admit, pretty tacky with some things I posted that didn't specifically point fingers at people, but gave a pretty good idea as to who I was referring to.

There were good memories that came up, too.  Some videos of Ty when he was about a year old and many pictures and sweet memories.

Jason never completely expressed his thoughts on my 5-part Man Bashing blog that consisted of jokes, poems, and quotes consistent with the series title.

He would read snippets of blogs out loud that he found interesting or amusing and I found that I kept reiterating to him what he already knew, "I'm not the same person that I was back then."

"I know, baby."

I look at who I was back then and it reminds me of a rainstorm.  The dark clouds, the gloomy atmosphere, and the unpredictable and damaging lightning...  Often-times the only glimmer of sunshine came in the form of a little boy or my close-knit family.

And so it was important that I keep reminding him.  "I'm not the same person that I was back then."

And again, he'd gently tell me, "I know, baby."

I'm happy now.  I'm a little more careful with my words.

Most of the time.

I don't feel like I'm as bitter or vengeful as I was and I certainly hope that I possess more class in what I say and how I say it.

But there were so many posts that are still, deep down in the core of me, the exact same person I am today.


Things I wanted in a relationship....I made a list of many of them and he read them to me last night and it struck me that what I found important back then, I still find important now.

They should lean on each other in hard times and never turn away from the other or seek support from somenoe else..

They should be the other person's biggest fan and cheerleader. Even when they fail (and they will fail from time to time). 
They should never stop flirting. 
They should always be faithful in words and actions. 
But I still know with all of me that I'm not the person that I used to be.

I've grown.  I've learned.  I've cried and I've laughed.  I've been disappointed and I've been thrilled.  I've been hurt and I've been helped.

And then I found something I said at a low point for me....
...The world's still spinning and I think last night my feet touched the ground.  Now I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start climbing out of this hole I've found myself in.  But as I climb, I'll get stronger, I'll gain strength and ability I didn't already have.  I'll survive.  And I will see the sun again.
I'm not the same.  I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I have at least a little better control of my words, and where love used to be a fairy tale that I couldn't quite believe in anymore, but couldn't quite make myself let go of....I now believe in whole-heartedly.

Fairy tales were for children then.

Now I see that they're for the lucky few of us who survive the bad, refuse to settle for the good, and find the truly amazing.

I'm not who I used to be.

That girl was never quite as lucky as the person I am today.

I wish you could see me now.
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was.
Brandon Heath | I'm Not Who I Was

1 comment:

  1. It's nice that as a woman we grew wiser each day that we lived and that we learn from every mistake that we did in the past. And you are a wonderful inspiration to other moms and ladies out there :) God Bless!